3 posts tagged “friendship”

It's a sobering reality to face that the person you love is a pathological liar. The problem lies in not ever knowing what about your relationship is true or false. You can't decipher the truth. The best you can do is try to put the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle. But the catch is there's always missing pieces. Actually, the best thing to do is leave at the first sign of deception.

For example, my friend was supposed to be a manager of a flagship corporation. But she lived in subsidized housing. Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Bad move. Should have moved on.

Anyway, next time I'll do my best to heed the warning signs. For some things, you don't need a GPS.

Ciao 4 niao.

We were on the Road Less Traveled. Now, we're off. The sad thing for me is that getting off the road was a unilateral decision that I had no opportunity to participate in. She simply sent me an email, titled "My Decision".

For me, the Road Less Traveled was a beautiful thing; a work of priceless art. From the start, we were simply in the groove. We had exceptional chemistry, conversation, and common interests. We went to movies, museums, hung out with her son, visited her other son, ate good food, simple food, listened to music in lounges, then we traveled.

During our trip, we had a snag on Day #3. The disagreement definitely disrupted our flow. But we worked through it. I thought we had recovered nicely. She said she wouldn't tolerate certain demands upon her person; demands that prevented her from being herself. She didn't want to be challenged. I agreed.

I didn't see her for two days, but we talked a little. The conversations felt superficial. I tried to go deeper, but only managed to go so far. Then, there was silence. Then, the letter came and it was over.

In Robert Frost's famous poem, The Road Not Taken, the traveler comes to a fork in the road and has to decide which way to go. The last stanza goes like this:

The road to love often reaches a fork and the lovers have to decide which path to take. In my relationship with Felicia, I believe we came to that fork. In my mind, we needed to decide whether to stay on the seldom trod road of deep, intense love (the road less traveled) or get on the road of the same ole thing (the beaten path). Seems she chose some version of the latter.

Being on the Road Less Traveled has a toll. For me, that toll is having a willingness to journey with a companion, trying to meet their needs while getting your own met in a reasonable manner, compromising, and recognition that being with someone might require some personal changes. I was committed to all that and a bag of chips.

I was never so fulfilled by a woman in my life! Never. I told her she was my Michelle Obama, someone who is strong, reliable, a devoted mother, beautiful, fine (very fine), and the apple of my eye--my heart. Being with her "made all the difference." I felt so alive, whole, and with joy.

Now, I find myself off the Road Less Traveled...not on the Road Not Taken.

I'm back on the beaten path. It's a tough place to be. A journey back into the wood.

Ciao 4 niao.

In worship today, the pastor preached an elegant sermon from the poem, Knots, by Carl Dennis. It is an amazing poem that deals with the knots that people's lives are filled with. At least, according to her interpretation. In her unpacking of the poem, she related it to how families pass down grudges and other experiences to the next generation. People often envision that at some time in the future through the softening of hearts and conflict managing, said knots will become unraveled and peace will rule where once conflict was king.

She also brought into play the notion of bowline knots from the poem. Apparently, a bowline know is one that has been passed down over generations by sailors to younger sailors. It is unique for its capacity to neither slip nor jam. In life, she said, one benefits from distinguishing between which knots we ought to let slip [my words] and which knots are more permanent and keep us appropriately tethered to family, community, ideals, etc. Either way, we can claim our own knots or create our own bowline knot.

This was tied together with words from Al-anon: "take care of your own side of the street." Since family knots tend to keep us bound to our family members in unhealthy ways, it helps to be mindful that tending to our own knots, not the knots of others, can be liberating.

I began reflecting on my personal style of relating to people. This analogy is congruent with my style. I try to attend to my own knots and encourage people to do the same and to be mindful that my knots are not thier knots. IN other words, I try to take care of my own side of the street, not other persons' side. Over the last several years, I've worked hard to recognize when an issue does not belong on my side of the street. When I do, I gently release myself from that knot and let the other person do the unraveling. A person that wants to befriend me that requires a lot of help unraveling their own knots will have a difficult time with me because I feel it is healthier for me avoid certain entanglements, especially those that do not originate with me and the other. Therefore, in order for me to have a good relationship with another person, I need someone that knows how and is confident tending to their side of the street.

Another article came to mind. Brought to my attention by a close friend, it is in the March 6 NY Times and is titled, "Insufferable Clinginess, or Healthy Dependence?" The article examines the distinction between healthy and unhealthy interpersonal dependency. Needy people, it asserts, seek constant assurance and advice, engage in "playing geisha for each new partner" and cannot leave bad relationships.  Healthy personalities provide a "protective warmth that cements romantic relationships."  They can manage, or modulate impulses better. The latter is similar to taking care of one's own side of the street.

It should be obvious by now where I'm going with this, so I won't belabor the details. In short, bring me the healthy dependence, not the clingy.

I have enough knots of my own. As I work them out, it is helpful to have someone interdependent to listen to my story, but not feel entangled by it. That was a great message. Putting this down might solidify this reflection in my mind more clearly and help me become a better person.

Anchors away!!

Keep it real.