3 posts tagged “communication”
I used to tell people that when an alcoholic stops drinking, it won’t solve all of the family’s problems. In fact, it might create new problems. The alcohol covers up a lot of problems. When it’s gone, certain of those problems become visible.
I’m experiencing some of that now. After years of running around on persons that I “loved,” I decided to play it straight…very straight. It is a good feeling to be a changed man. It was a conscious choice. I feel like I’m acting my age for a change. Now, my issues are coming visible.
My beloved is pointing out my weaknesses in listening. I’ve been a trained listener for clients, but for family, my listening has not been so good…as I thought. I knew I needed to be more consistent between work and home, but somehow I wasn’t pulling it together. She’s made it clear how I can go about it. I’m working the issue—slowly, but surely.
The biggest impact of low commitment was that I was able to maintain emotional distance relatively easily. It felt like good boundaries, but I was only fooling myself. It was more like a wall enclosing my self-centeredness. Not being in the relationship wholeheartedly prevented me from connecting fully and deeply. In hindsight, I see my connections as superficial at best. That’s probably why I haven’t had the intensity of love that I yearned for and have witnessed in others.
So being in love backed by full commitment, I can see the difference. For one thing, my level of joy is extremely high. I also feel a stronger desire and willingness to be emotionally available for my beloved. I want her to know I’m available. Moreover, I sincerely want to do those things that are helpful for our growth as a couple.
But, I’m learning that this is not so simple as it seems. I need to balance my feelings and desires so that I don’t assume that I know what is best for us and unwittingly impose something that is not love on her (or us). In other words, my love needs discipline. If it is random and reckless, it will be damaging and hurtful, not loving at all.
My biggest learning, however, has been discovering what it is like to be on the other side of a loved one who appears to have another active relationship going on. Having been on the other side for so long, the signs are very obvious. They are even more obvious when she doesn’t deny it.
For me, that’s the pain of love and commitment that I had not imagined nor prepared for. It’s the quintessential paradigm of the sobered up alcoholic. It is painful to see what you’ve been missing after all these years of denial. Like the stages of grief, denial is followed by a lot of anger.
The evidence is all circumstantial, of course. But ex-playas know game when they see it. So, I’m in unknown territory because deciding to stay means keeping faith that it will work out in the end.
I had no idea of how painful this position is. None. I’ve put several excellent, I mean top-notch, women through this for extended periods of time. Now, I’m going through it for two months and it’s about to eat me alive. Call it karma, divine retribution, whatever. It’s a terrible feeling to be #2. I mean it’s bad. It keeps my stomach in knots at times.
This is no doubt part of the suffering involved in love. Many times, I’ve wondered how people have stayed in marriages where one partner philanders. I’d tell myself how strong the other spouse must be, but my understanding was so nonchalant and cursory. Now, that I’m living it, I see clearly that I didn’t have a damn clue about the pain associated with the infidelity. It is tough! And I’m not even freaking married to her.
Nevertheless, I know that I need to stick it out; live my commitment. Be it. What one woman or man can do, another can do. Perhaps, this is what is meant by lone suffering. One can only go through this alone.
My prayer is that the other relationship will end. I really love this woman. Of course, this is where real love begins to develop—when the “falling in love” stage has passed and the couple deal with real issues. But, if it doesn’t cease, I’ll have to make a decision. It’s not a decision I’m prepared to make now.
But, whatever I do, I don’t want to go back to my old ways. That person deserves no resurrection. Being a committed lover is who I choose to be. The new me deserves life and a fair chance to thrive and grow. The alcoholic is dead.
Ciao 4 niao.
"In the stillness of Presence, you can sense the formless essence of yourself and in the other as one. Knowing the oneness of yourself and the other is true love, true care, true compassion." --Tolle
I've been there and I'll tell you what, it's like riding down the autobahn in a Porsche: there is no substitute. None.
Ciao 4 niao.
I've drawn a conclusion regarding the elements of partnership between two people trying to make a relationship work. Having two leaders does not a good couple make. That's my conclusion.
Prior to marriage, I had a philosophy that two persons could co-exist doing their own things even if they were quite different. Say, he wants to spend time at the movies; she wants to dance. I thought this might work out. Say, she believes the kid should do sports; he believes emphasis should be on academics. The last one was real. I was working off of the theory of mutuality that gives persons equal regard rather one over the other.
I've come to find fallacies in that approach. Especially as regards the need for a leadership position. Sometimes, equal regard is incorrect and can lead to poor decision making. Or no decision making and one person asserting his or her will against the better judgment that doesn't prevail.
My philosophy now is this: the person with the most expertise should take the leadership role on issues that fall under his/her purview, esp. when it's clear that person is correct. When it's fuzzy, the couple probably would do well to consult an outsider that they both respect, then decide. On issues where this is no clear solution, compromise needs to take place. And disagreeing to disagree and then one party acting unilaterally is a poor outcome.
I believe both voices should count even when one party is at a severe disadvantage in terms of experience. Sometimes, common sense is just as good as education; sometimes better. Wisdom for sure is preferred to gut instinct.
This leads me to a new litmus test. Can my partner take my suggestions even when the suggestion appears to go against the grain of her position? Can this transpire or do I have to listen to, "You can't tell me what to do!" If it's the latter, we probably will not be a good match.
I know that I can take suggestion. Indeed, I have a track record of taking suggestions and following through. I attribute much of this approach to my overall happiness with life. It gives me a sense of being flexible and resilient. I feel closer to the friends that I take counsel from. And I keep an attitude of gratitude for their friendship, which I value very highly.
So I guess the vital elements here are negotiation and willingness to suggestibility. It's not that tired line--communication. What is that? Usually, when people say that they really mean they want their partner to talk more. They don't realize more talking means more listening. That's something that seldom happens with the communication advocates.
So there you have it. My new paradigm for partnership.
Keep it real.
