xfactor’s blog

Dedicated to reality

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 02:29:17 -0600

It's a sobering reality to face that the person you love is a pathological liar. The problem lies in not ever knowing what about your relationship is true or false. You can't decipher the truth. The best you can do is try to put the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle. But the catch is there's always missing pieces. Actually, the best thing to do is leave at the first sign of deception.

For example, my friend was supposed to be a manager of a flagship corporation. But she lived in subsidized housing. Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Bad move. Should have moved on.

Anyway, next time I'll do my best to heed the warning signs. For some things, you don't need a GPS.

Ciao 4 niao.

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Comittment and Love

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 11:20:08 -0500

I used to tell people that when an alcoholic stops drinking, it won’t solve all of the family’s problems. In fact, it might create new problems. The alcohol covers up a lot of problems. When it’s gone, certain of those problems become visible.

I’m experiencing some of that now. After years of running around on persons that I “loved,” I decided to play it straight…very straight. It is a good feeling to be a changed man. It was a conscious choice. I feel like I’m acting my age for a change. Now, my issues are coming visible.

My beloved is pointing out my weaknesses in listening. I’ve been a trained listener for clients, but for family, my listening has not been so good…as I thought. I knew I needed to be more consistent between work and home, but somehow I wasn’t pulling it together. She’s made it clear how I can go about it. I’m working the issue—slowly, but surely.

The biggest impact of low commitment was that I was able to maintain emotional distance relatively easily. It felt like good boundaries, but I was only fooling myself. It was more like a wall enclosing my self-centeredness. Not being in the relationship wholeheartedly prevented me from connecting fully and deeply. In hindsight, I see my connections as superficial at best. That’s probably why I haven’t had the intensity of love that I yearned for and have witnessed in others.

So being in love backed by full commitment, I can see the difference. For one thing, my level of joy is extremely high. I also feel a stronger desire and willingness to be emotionally available for my beloved. I want her to know I’m available. Moreover, I sincerely want to do those things that are helpful for our growth as a couple.

But, I’m learning that this is not so simple as it seems. I need to balance my feelings and desires so that I don’t assume that I know what is best for us and unwittingly impose something that is not love on her (or us). In other words, my love needs discipline. If it is random and reckless, it will be damaging and hurtful, not loving at all.

My biggest learning, however, has been discovering what it is like to be on the other side of a loved one who appears to have another active relationship going on. Having been on the other side for so long, the signs are very obvious. They are even more obvious when she doesn’t deny it.

For me, that’s the pain of love and commitment that I had not imagined nor prepared for. It’s the quintessential paradigm of the sobered up alcoholic. It is painful to see what you’ve been missing after all these years of denial. Like the stages of grief, denial is followed by a lot of anger.

The evidence is all circumstantial, of course. But ex-playas know game when they see it. So, I’m in unknown territory because deciding to stay means keeping faith that it will work out in the end.

I had no idea of how painful this position is. None. I’ve put several excellent, I mean top-notch, women through this for extended periods of time. Now, I’m going through it for two months and it’s about to eat me alive. Call it karma, divine retribution, whatever. It’s a terrible feeling to be #2. I mean it’s bad. It keeps my stomach in knots at times.

This is no doubt part of the suffering involved in love. Many times, I’ve wondered how people have stayed in marriages where one partner philanders. I’d tell myself how strong the other spouse must be, but my understanding was so nonchalant and cursory. Now, that I’m living it, I see clearly that I didn’t have a damn clue about the pain associated with the infidelity. It is tough! And I’m not even freaking married to her.

Nevertheless, I know that I need to stick it out; live my commitment. Be it. What one woman or man can do, another can do. Perhaps, this is what is meant by lone suffering. One can only go through this alone.

My prayer is that the other relationship will end. I really love this woman. Of course, this is where real love begins to develop—when the “falling in love” stage has passed and the couple deal with real issues. But, if it doesn’t cease, I’ll have to make a decision. It’s not a decision I’m prepared to make now.

But, whatever I do, I don’t want to go back to my old ways. That person deserves no resurrection. Being a committed lover is who I choose to be. The new me deserves life and a fair chance to thrive and grow. The alcoholic is dead.

Ciao 4 niao.

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Love makes you beautiful

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:08:44 -0500

This will be a 2-fer.

My title is not original. It comes from Terrence Howard's new CD, Shine Through It. The song is lovely. I was telling my friends yesterday at a wine tasting that I'm going to adopt a new motto for now: to be beautiful.

Love has made me feel that way, indeed. Even in solitude, love makes one feel beautiful. For me, being beautiful is more than outward appearance, which always fades. It's an inner quality that I am choosing to let flourish.

So, I'll be on the watch for signs of beauty flourishing around me.

I have a wonderful life. It is full of beautiful friends, family, and colleagues. Just today, a couple offered to fly me to Mexico in October for their wedding. Am I going? You better know it!

Yesterday, my boy from CA and I decided to meet in DC later this month for the Black Caucus. He's a CFO of his company & chair-elect of a national board. So while he's networking, I'll be hanging around gleaning & grinning.

Other trips are planned as well, but I think I've said enough on the subject.

The love I feel for life is often so abundant. Who could she not want to be a part of it?

Ciao 4 niao.

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The Stillness of Presence

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 11:33:06 -0500

"In the stillness of Presence, you can sense the formless essence of yourself and in the other as one. Knowing the oneness of yourself and the other is true love, true care, true compassion." --Tolle

I've been there and I'll tell you what, it's like riding down the autobahn in a Porsche: there is no substitute. None.

Ciao 4 niao.

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61)

05-john_legend-each_day_gets_better-scl

John Legend

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The Road Less Traveled

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 11:23:41 -0500

We were on the Road Less Traveled. Now, we're off. The sad thing for me is that getting off the road was a unilateral decision that I had no opportunity to participate in. She simply sent me an email, titled "My Decision".

For me, the Road Less Traveled was a beautiful thing; a work of priceless art. From the start, we were simply in the groove. We had exceptional chemistry, conversation, and common interests. We went to movies, museums, hung out with her son, visited her other son, ate good food, simple food, listened to music in lounges, then we traveled.

During our trip, we had a snag on Day #3. The disagreement definitely disrupted our flow. But we worked through it. I thought we had recovered nicely. She said she wouldn't tolerate certain demands upon her person; demands that prevented her from being herself. She didn't want to be challenged. I agreed.

I didn't see her for two days, but we talked a little. The conversations felt superficial. I tried to go deeper, but only managed to go so far. Then, there was silence. Then, the letter came and it was over.

In Robert Frost's famous poem, The Road Not Taken, the traveler comes to a fork in the road and has to decide which way to go. The last stanza goes like this:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The road to love often reaches a fork and the lovers have to decide which path to take. In my relationship with Felicia, I believe we came to that fork. In my mind, we needed to decide whether to stay on the seldom trod road of deep, intense love (the road less traveled) or get on the road of the same ole thing (the beaten path). Seems she chose some version of the latter.

Being on the Road Less Traveled has a toll. For me, that toll is having a willingness to journey with a companion, trying to meet their needs while getting your own met in a reasonable manner, compromising, and recognition that being with someone might require some personal changes. I was committed to all that and a bag of chips.

I was never so fulfilled by a woman in my life! Never. I told her she was my Michelle Obama, someone who is strong, reliable, a devoted mother, beautiful, fine (very fine), and the apple of my eye--my heart. Being with her "made all the difference." I felt so alive, whole, and with joy.

Now, I find myself off the Road Less Traveled...not on the Road Not Taken.

I'm back on the beaten path. It's a tough place to be. A journey back into the wood.

Ciao 4 niao.

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Coming out of my shell--Esquire Best Dressed Real Man!!

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sat, 05 May 2007 12:33:50 -0500

Last week, my friend insisted that submit some photos to the Esquire Best Dressed Real Man contest, which is held on-line at Esquire.com. I thought not much of it and initially declined the invitation. But after much prodding, I took her up on the offer and sent in the photos along with a 10-word description.

Then, I had to send out a link to my friends asking (begging) them to visit the site and cast a vote in my honor. Many have succumbed to this shameless act of self-promotion, much to my chagrin. Several have sent their compliments to me along with a few funny remarks. It has been an interesting experience putting myself out there for my friends entertainment.

But something really happened when I sent out a second email to my work & business associates. My motivation was to show them a lighter side of myself that I typically try to keep separate. A few of them responded, as I expected. But something occurred in me that I had not anticipated. I began feeling very liberated.

It was as if I had come out of a shell that I have been living in most of my adult life. By offering my friends a glimpse of these pictures, I was inviting to see a more complete me. The pictures show me in 1) a clergy robe, 2) an outfit that I wear only on Xmas and Valentines Day, and 3) the head shot posted here. I consider these self-revealing because they show a more private side of my being that is typically reserved for close friends and strangers.

As a member of the clergy, I have discovered that it easy to get caught up in the role. But even more significant is getting caught up in the expectations that others have of the role, which can easily become the driving force of my life and other members of the clergy. I've come to understand that being driven by others' expectations is akin to letting others call the shots of my life. I now how this position in contempt.

As an Air Force officer and chaplain, I recognize that many people view me in a certain way. Officership and clergy combined has its privileges and inherent authority. I enjoy both. But again, it is easy to get caught up with the image and role and expectations of others and allow that whole set of dynamics drive my life. It can control and author my behavior in ways that I allow, but also lead me down a primrose path of followership that might be otherwise inauthentic. By showing the pictures to people in my military unit, I feel that I have broken that mold in some ways. I can show them that I am not, in totality, the person behind the insignia nor the badge that chaplains wear. In other words, there is more to me than the uniform suggests. I can still be the person in the uniform, yet I can be the rest of me, too, at the same time.

As a black middle class man that hangs out with a lot of other black middle class folk, it is easy to fall in step with a behavior that is fitting of the black middle-class mindset. We talk a certain way, have certain values, and definitely by things that depict middle-class success. Clothing falls into this category. Certain styles of clothes says "black!" more than others. I believe the red trousers that I wear in one of my photos goes against such values and standards. So I've taken a bit of heat over this picture, although it's all in jest. But I realize that some of it is an unspoken reaction to defying the middle-class buppie look. So by presenting this look to others, I feel quite liberated and more self-authored than ever before. Again, it's another way of coming out.

I frequently hear people making reference to how short life is. Life is too short to do this or that. Life is too short not to do this or not do that. Most of such expressions have some element of truth, but mainly they are a reflection of someone being flippant for a moment. Life is short relatively speaking. But for most of us, life doesn't begin until we really take charge of life in its totality. Until that time, life is not so much short as it is limited and controlled by others on many levels. Becoming a self-authoring person where I am less influenced by others' perceptions and expectations is what coming out of my shell has meant for me since the whole Esquire thing.

Now, for the big moment. Here is the link to the Esquire contest. Please vote for Me! Five stars, please!!

Esquire's 2007 Best Dressed Real Man in America contest. Visit Xolani's profile and rank him 'best dressed'.
http://www.esquirebdrm.com/index.php?viewID=277

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Dallas Mavericks

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 17:40:08 -0500

My home team is going down the tubes in a hurry. They are on their way out of the playoffs so fast all you can see is the smoke rising from the gym floor. Here's my analysis for what it's worth.

The Mavs are being taken down by the Golden State Warriors in the first round of the NBA playoffs. It seems the #1 seed would take down the #8 seed, but it ain't happening, brother. The Mavs have lost to the Warriors for the last two seasons, so one would think they'd work hard at determining thier weaknesses. But it seems they haven't made such corrections and will not before the season ends for the Mavs.

It reminds me a of student that is weak in a subject and doesn't do anything to prepare for an exam thinking s/he can make up in the areas that s/he is strong. In this case, the weak area is the dominant test, so the student is doomed for failure. It's all but too late to start studying now. The test is almost over. One more quiz and it's a done deal.

Too bad for the Mavs. After a 67 win season, they will fall in an almost sweep. I feel sorry for Avery Johnson. All his hard work down the drain. But a team that is used to open shots like the Mavs are can't win against a team that is heavy on real defense.

It's been a good run for the Mavs, but it looks like the end of the rainbow is straight ahead.

Keep it real.

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Time is ticking

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 20:02:39 -0500

My house is fully of clocks tastefully positioned on walls and occasionally sitting atop a surface. As I sit in my office or in my family room, the clocks are ticking away. Sometimes, if it is quiet enough, the ticking sound is particularly acute from any place in the room. It's a constant reminder that time is moving on.

Time stops for no one. Time is precious. There's seldom good reason not to use time wisely. Unless, of course, one is on vacation or retired or simply in need of rest. Otherwise, we probably would be smart to respect time and the time of others. Don't keep people waiting and respect yourself by not allowing others to abuse your time by keeping you waiting.

Life is precious and time is ticking.

Keep it real.

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Focus on life in the now, not later

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 21:33:57 -0500

Lately, I've been thinking quite a bit about the spiritual life and the notion of eternal life. An enormous amount of thought, be it theology or popular spiritual literature, dwells on life after life. We as Christians base much of our living on our need to live ever after. Being saved drives much of the Christian life.

I'm aware of where this idea originated. The Bible speaks of the afterlife in many ways throughout its pages. Having the promise of eternal life is the caveat that many a Christian lives for. My recent concern dwells upon whether life after life is as important as life now. I'm beginning to take the stance that everlasting life is not so important to me. I want to focus on life now, not life later.

While I understand that the promise of salvation is a core doctrine of the church, I also understand it to be a matter of faith. It is not a reality that one can pinpoint to exist in the not-yet in my current manner of thinking. African religion understands this beautifully. In fact, in some African religions there is no conception of salvation. Instead, persons live on in spirit as ancestors. I view this as a qualitatively different future than one offered through most Christian thought.

When I conceive of the spiritual life, I appreciate my Christian heritage and all that it has afforded me. Yet, I am aware that for me the spiritual life is made more rich by my awareness that a dimension of living and being exists that is somehow incorporeal, but at the same time, quite real although intangible. I hope this doesn't sound overly nebulous, but merely having a conception and awareness of natural beauty, compassion, love, grace, friendship, privilege and so forth adds to the quality of living everyday that I cherish.

Of course, I say this as a middle-aged, middle-class, professional male who experiences no small amount of privilege and power in my daily circumstance. I certainly would have a different perspective were I poor, deprived of advantages, and living in a dilapidated shanty in another part of the world. I understand the difference. Power certainly has its advantages.

My main point is this. I want to focus on the life in the now, not life later beyond the living that I have in this material world.

Keep it real.

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Taking care of my side of the street

nobody@vox.com(X 2 tha yz) — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 13:50:49 -0500

In worship today, the pastor preached an elegant sermon from the poem, Knots, by Carl Dennis. It is an amazing poem that deals with the knots that people's lives are filled with. At least, according to her interpretation. In her unpacking of the poem, she related it to how families pass down grudges and other experiences to the next generation. People often envision that at some time in the future through the softening of hearts and conflict managing, said knots will become unraveled and peace will rule where once conflict was king.

She also brought into play the notion of bowline knots from the poem. Apparently, a bowline know is one that has been passed down over generations by sailors to younger sailors. It is unique for its capacity to neither slip nor jam. In life, she said, one benefits from distinguishing between which knots we ought to let slip [my words] and which knots are more permanent and keep us appropriately tethered to family, community, ideals, etc. Either way, we can claim our own knots or create our own bowline knot.

This was tied together with words from Al-anon: "take care of your own side of the street." Since family knots tend to keep us bound to our family members in unhealthy ways, it helps to be mindful that tending to our own knots, not the knots of others, can be liberating.

I began reflecting on my personal style of relating to people. This analogy is congruent with my style. I try to attend to my own knots and encourage people to do the same and to be mindful that my knots are not thier knots. IN other words, I try to take care of my own side of the street, not other persons' side. Over the last several years, I've worked hard to recognize when an issue does not belong on my side of the street. When I do, I gently release myself from that knot and let the other person do the unraveling. A person that wants to befriend me that requires a lot of help unraveling their own knots will have a difficult time with me because I feel it is healthier for me avoid certain entanglements, especially those that do not originate with me and the other. Therefore, in order for me to have a good relationship with another person, I need someone that knows how and is confident tending to their side of the street.

Another article came to mind. Brought to my attention by a close friend, it is in the March 6 NY Times and is titled, "Insufferable Clinginess, or Healthy Dependence?" The article examines the distinction between healthy and unhealthy interpersonal dependency. Needy people, it asserts, seek constant assurance and advice, engage in "playing geisha for each new partner" and cannot leave bad relationships. Healthy personalities provide a "protective warmth that cements romantic relationships." They can manage, or modulate impulses better. The latter is similar to taking care of one's own side of the street.

It should be obvious by now where I'm going with this, so I won't belabor the details. In short, bring me the healthy dependence, not the clingy.

I have enough knots of my own. As I work them out, it is helpful to have someone interdependent to listen to my story, but not feel entangled by it. That was a great message. Putting this down might solidify this reflection in my mind more clearly and help me become a better person.

Anchors away!!

Keep it real.

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