Posts (page 2)

I heard an interview on the Diane Rehm Show (NPR) this morning with the author William Vollman, who has written the book Poor People. During the interview, he described people of various circumstances around the globe exist in abject poverty. It was pretty amazing some of the stories.

One story was about two Japanese men that lived under a bridge outside of Kyoto. They had a tent these two men. He described them as having a few fish they kept in the river (for food) and "missing the companionship of women." Despite this, the two men offered the author and his translator a cup of tea. Imagine that! Being poor, living under a bridge, and maintaining the dignity and hospitality to offer a stranger a cup of tea.

It was a small vignette from the interview, but it blew me away. I hope I can be a person of such magnanimity during my time of need and help others during there time.

Keep it real.

I was telling a guy in the steam room yesterday, "If you're not cross-training in some way, you're probably not in as good of shape as you believe you are." That is something I've known for a long time. But yesterday, I was swimming in an olympic-size pool and the sentiment proved itself correct, again. I've grown accustomed to a smaller pool. It really tells on you when you get to the real deal.

There were three other swimmers in the pool. All were doing laps. I did a lap and back, took a rest, and repeat. They were not stopping for a breather. I knew they were seasoned swimmers and I'm a seasoned cyclist, but it still didn't make me feel any better. Then, one showed me how to swim using a flotation device between my legs in order to work the upper body, only. Again, what a difference that made.

The guy in the steam room said, "The thing is, you're in there!" He was right about that. There I was doing it.

Keep it real.

She asked me to explain my last blog in more detail. The blog was shorter than I normally would srite, but I figured it was more for me than others. That's why it is probably confusing.

Anyway, as I reflect on the boredom part of that blog, this is what comes to mind. I have an active mind, probably like most people. That is compounded by what has become normal these days: a lot of overstimulation. When the overstimulation comes to a halt, and occassionally it does, then I find myself feeling withdrawal symptoms. I can easily begin to crave for stimulation. If I don't have something urgent and important waiting to be done, I am prey to boredom. And boredom can be filled with whatever is familiar, regardless of whether that whatever is time-worthy.

That is really the problem. I need to assure myself that I recognize the withdrawal symptoms and use the time wisely. I believe that if I can get a handle on the withdrawal, I can recognize that I really don't need to do anything at all; just breathe. That would make my life very manageable.

Keep it real.

I've drawn a conclusion regarding the elements of partnership between two people trying to make a relationship work. Having two leaders does not a good couple make. That's my conclusion.

Prior to marriage, I had a philosophy that two persons could co-exist doing their own things even if they were quite different. Say, he wants to spend time at the movies; she wants to dance. I thought this might work out. Say, she believes the kid should do sports; he believes emphasis should be on academics. The last one was real. I was working off of the theory of mutuality that gives persons equal regard rather one over the other.

I've come to find fallacies in that approach. Especially as regards the need for a leadership position. Sometimes, equal regard is incorrect and  can lead to poor decision making. Or no decision making and one person asserting his or her will against the better judgment that doesn't prevail.

My philosophy now is this: the person with the most expertise should take the leadership role on issues that fall under his/her purview, esp. when it's clear that person is correct. When it's fuzzy, the couple probably would do well to consult an outsider that they both respect, then decide. On issues where this is no clear solution, compromise needs to take place. And disagreeing to disagree and then one party acting unilaterally is a poor outcome.

I believe both voices should count even when one party is at a severe disadvantage in terms of experience. Sometimes, common sense is just as good as education; sometimes better. Wisdom for sure is preferred to gut instinct.

This leads me to a new litmus test. Can my partner take my suggestions even when the suggestion appears to go against the grain of her position? Can this transpire or do I have to listen to, "You can't tell me what to do!" If it's the latter, we probably will not be a good match.

I know that I can take suggestion. Indeed, I have a track record of taking suggestions and following through. I attribute much of this approach to my overall happiness with life. It gives me a sense of being flexible and resilient. I feel closer to the friends that I take counsel from. And I keep an attitude of gratitude for their friendship, which I value very highly.

So I guess the vital elements here are negotiation and willingness to suggestibility. It's not that tired line--communication. What is that? Usually, when people say that they really mean they want their partner to talk more. They don't realize more talking means more listening. That's something that seldom happens with the communication advocates.

So there you have it. My new paradigm for partnership.

Keep it real.

There is something about being mature that enables relationships to last and stand the test of time. Two things come to my mind that I've been pondering for a few weeks now. These are giving up selfish desires and handling boredom constructively. I feel a need to work on these if I am to have sustained relationship as an adult.

Giving up selfish desires is about putting one's own pleasures, wishes, fantasies, & whatnot aside in order to better accomodate the needs of the conjoint relationship. If one continues to assert self over coupledom without reflection about the couple's need, the couple is destined to breakup. Pure and simple.

Handling boredom constructively is about finding something to do with your downtime that doesn't distract your attention from your home life. At least, it needs not to take you outside the home in ways that you lose interest in satisfying your mate. Losing sight of one's mate and his/her needs and desires also will wreck havoc on your relationship because sooner or later the primary relationship will become secondary. Longevity demands privilege I've come to learn, not restriction.

Putting these together strengthens the relationship and shows sign of maturity on part of both individuals. One can't do enough for both. The two persons need to pull their own weight and try not to resist the feedback that comes when you aren't pulling your own weight.

Of course, this isn't the only sign of maturity. But it is, in my judgment, an important one that I will be working on. As Michael Richards called it, this is personal work.

Keep it real.

I had an odd experience as I was walking into the gym this evening for my daily swim. I noticed an attractive woman walking in ahead of me. She caught my eye because she reminded me of the actress Thandie Newton, who co-starred along Terrance Howard in "Crash" and with Tom Cruise in MI:2. She was fair and had luscious dreadlocks twisted back on her head.

As I walked pass her at the desk, I tried to offer a compliment, only. I gently touched her shoulder. She looked at me with a sneer, then said, "What?" I repeated myself. Then she frowned, turned her nose up, and said, "Don't touch me!" It caught me off guard--being chided for a gentle compliment.  I thought, "How wierd was that?"

Being honest, that encounter disturbed my evening flow somewhat. I felt unnerved. Still, I went about my swim as usual. I wonder what was going on or had gone on with her that caused such a hostile response. If I did anything inappropriate, I pray to the universe to forgive me. I meant no harm.

Keep it real

Most nights before I go to bed, or should I say, retire for the evening, I have a glass of wine. It's a subtle pleasure that I really enjoy. The taste and joy of wine has grown for me over the years. To be honest, if you'd ask me a few years back if I thought I'd be such a wine taster, I'd probably say no.

Something about drinking wine feels both earthy and sophisticated and healthy all at once. Mostly, it just feels earthy; sort of natural. It also feels righteous, as in the right thing to do as an adult. It's hard to quantify the health benefits of wine drinking, although many a medical report sings its praises. So on this front, it's a faith issue.

I wish that I had more friends that like to drink the way that I do. But I don't. I also wish that there was a greater appreciation amongst my friends for dry wine. Not so, again. That's cool. It doesn't keep me from doing my thing.

In fact, when I make my trek to the grocery store, I frequently find myself buying several bottles. I'm almost always alone on the wine aisle, or section. No one to talk with or compare notes. When that rare occassion arises when someone else is there buying, s/he is usually buying a single bottle and looking for something that appears interesting.

About a year or so ago, I tried to venture out into expensive bottles. That would be in the range starting around $23 or so. It was a short excursion. Every now and then, I could taste what is was that was worth the money, but it was rare. Too rare for my little money. Now, I try to stay under $15; more often under $10. Sometimes, a $4 bottle of Lambrusco does the trick.

Indeed, that is probably what I will savor tonite as I glance through the Sunday Times. For me, it'll be like having a dessert. But I won't have the guilt of all that fat that comes with a scoop or two of ice cream or a slice of apple pie. Those who insist on traditional desserts don't know what they are missing!

Keep it real

My man, Forest Whitaker, brought home the bacon at the Academy Awards last night. What a treasure the brother is for all movie-goers. The Last King of Scotland is a dynamite film. I recommend it to all persons of appropriate age.

Keep it real.

I've discovered the primary reason that I dislike cell phones. And this doesn't mean that I dislike cellphones in their entirety; just certain aspects of owning and carrying one. The reason is that cellphones seem to import upon you unlimited accessibility of other persons' expectations. People that have your phone number immediately expect that if they dial you, under all circumstances, regardless of time, place, era, or what you might be doing, you are obligated to answer the phone when it rings. If you don't answer the phone, friends are quick to inform you how irritating and annoying it is that they can't reach you at their convenience.

Cells phones, in my judgment, take away your ability to be unavailable. Ten years ago, it would be normal to call a colleague, leave a msg, then wait several hours for that person to return your call. Then, it was normal, or routine, to grant a person the benefit of the doubt that they might not get your message until they returned home from work or wherever they spent their time during the day. We were accustomed to waiting. If you wanted someone urgently, you might ring them at work. But work was reserved for immediate family and significant others.

Now persons, regardless of closeness or relation, expect the right of immediate access to you whenever they call. It matters not whether you are at work, in an important meeting, at church, having a meal, driving somewhere, conducting a business deal, in court, making love, etc. It seems we have advanced individual needs and elevated the urgency of communication without giving serious consideration to the relative merit of such communications.

When I was in grade school, it was customary for me to come home after school and go through a routine of getting something to eat (usually a bowl of cereal) and watch TV for about an hour (usually The Flintstones & Gilligan's Island). If I needed something, I'd phone my mother at work (the family business); I rarely called my father. Nowadays, kids have unlimited access to their parents and their parents insist on getting calls for every little matter. It seems that kids have unreasonable access and their parents are uninterested in capping this. I believe it gives kids an unreasonable expectation concerning getting help and robs them of the chance of developing life skills regarding decision-making. But that's a side point.

The main point is that I (and probably others) can understand that people will need to reach me for certain issues. I can grant that. But I will be "the decider" or the arbiter of that decision, not the people making the call.

Sometimes, this can get me in trouble with close friends. But if they leave a message saying the matter is urgent, I will call them back immediately. Otherwise, they might have to wait until I finish my Frosted Flakes!

A quote from John Macquarrie, Two Worlds are Ours, on prayer in general: "It is morally unworthy to pray for material advantages which we could obtain by hard work, and intellectually unworthy to pray for events that would violate the laws of the physical universe." p. 30