Elements of partnership

I've drawn a conclusion regarding the elements of partnership between two people trying to make a relationship work. Having two leaders does not a good couple make. That's my conclusion.

Prior to marriage, I had a philosophy that two persons could co-exist doing their own things even if they were quite different. Say, he wants to spend time at the movies; she wants to dance. I thought this might work out. Say, she believes the kid should do sports; he believes emphasis should be on academics. The last one was real. I was working off of the theory of mutuality that gives persons equal regard rather one over the other.

I've come to find fallacies in that approach. Especially as regards the need for a leadership position. Sometimes, equal regard is incorrect and  can lead to poor decision making. Or no decision making and one person asserting his or her will against the better judgment that doesn't prevail.

My philosophy now is this: the person with the most expertise should take the leadership role on issues that fall under his/her purview, esp. when it's clear that person is correct. When it's fuzzy, the couple probably would do well to consult an outsider that they both respect, then decide. On issues where this is no clear solution, compromise needs to take place. And disagreeing to disagree and then one party acting unilaterally is a poor outcome.

I believe both voices should count even when one party is at a severe disadvantage in terms of experience. Sometimes, common sense is just as good as education; sometimes better. Wisdom for sure is preferred to gut instinct.

This leads me to a new litmus test. Can my partner take my suggestions even when the suggestion appears to go against the grain of her position? Can this transpire or do I have to listen to, "You can't tell me what to do!" If it's the latter, we probably will not be a good match.

I know that I can take suggestion. Indeed, I have a track record of taking suggestions and following through. I attribute much of this approach to my overall happiness with life. It gives me a sense of being flexible and resilient. I feel closer to the friends that I take counsel from. And I keep an attitude of gratitude for their friendship, which I value very highly.

So I guess the vital elements here are negotiation and willingness to suggestibility. It's not that tired line--communication. What is that? Usually, when people say that they really mean they want their partner to talk more. They don't realize more talking means more listening. That's something that seldom happens with the communication advocates.

So there you have it. My new paradigm for partnership.

Keep it real.